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11 Lambeth Place
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Isn't this what I asked for?

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Isn't this what I asked for?

Penny Younger

As I write this, I’m on a yacht heading from Naples to Capri in Italy. I’m on a luxury super yacht and I can see the morning sun reflect on the water, and the ocean is currently like a big, beautiful, still pond.

Amazing, right?

Well, I’m not on the yacht in my bikini, sunbathing. I’m working on it. I am in a uniform next to the galley, waiting for the dude who owns the boat to wake up so I can serve him breakfast. I’ve been up 3 hours already and this will be my 18th day of working at least 16 hours and yesterday, I had a meltdown.

After finishing university, I decided to take a couple of gap years and experience life with my own two hands for a little while; and I landed myself a job on a superyacht as a stewardess.

I came here to travel. Tick. I’ve been to Corsica, Sardinia and all over the Amalfi coast in the last two weeks.

I came here to make money. Tick. I’m on a good salary, earning tax free euros with free accommodation on board and a michelin star chef who cooks all of my meals.

Yet something is out of alignment. I’m not being moved in the way I want to be. I’m not being inspired. I’m not feeling the way I want to feel.

The best parts of my day is when we buy fresh flowers for the guests, so I can admire how beautiful they are. I also love seeing the sunsets, when I get to check in with Mother Nature and sure enough, there she is; every day.

Still, these things don’t seem to make this experience worth it to me. Something is missing. I’m on my feet all day, I make beds, clean toilets, make drinks and change 3 loads of laundry every 45 minutes – give or take, depending on the cycle.

This isn’t what I signed up for. This isn’t adding to my life. If anything, it’s draining me. I want to feel inspired and light and creative. I want to dig deeper and make my presence in this world bigger and brighter through what I have to say and how I can touch people’s lives – not how well I can make a bed.

I don’t even know if I’m unhappy, but I know I am uncomfortable. My day is dictated by the guy who owns the boat, his life is our priority whilst he’s on board and our own needs are swept under the rug. Things like sleep, time off and eating when we’re hungry. Not to mention, the days feel like weeks. Hey positive Polly.

But this morning, I’ve come to realise something.

What I’ve asked for is right here.

I’m experiencing it.

I asked life to move me, shake me and force me to grow; to make my life unusual and deep and wide and bright.

“Give me experiences and dark alleys and new people. Give my soul new depth,” I remember requesting.

I’m here.

I’m experiencing life in all its glory. I’m uncomfortable, I’m tired and my eyes are feasting on new sights every day. I’m being pushed, pulled and stretched – and I’m coming up against a lot of resistance within myself. New people are everywhere, most of whom I don’t actually connect with that much and they are pushing my buttons.

People are everywhere in my personal space. We are 11 crew in an area 2 people should share. I get interrupted every time I want to meditate, or read a book or sit on my own somewhere. Even writing this I think I’ve been interrupted about 7 times. Nothing is easy right now, but the funny this is:

This is what I asked for.

These lessons, I actually asked to learn.

I asked to be tested. I asked for new horizons. I asked to grow and I promise you, if you ask the universe to grow, it’s going to give you a challenge and see what you make of it.

I want depth in my life, I don’t want a two dimensional world. I want to live in a four or five dimensional life with obstacles to overcome, road blocks to figure out with rich friendships and real human connection.

So right now, I am being reminded that we always get what we ask for. Sometimes though, it shows up wearing another pair of pants. It might take us a while to recognise, but sooner or later, we do. We look it in the eye and smile – knowing this moment is necessary, in order to grow into higher and brighter versions of ourselves, that we’ve asked to become.

And right now, growth to me looks like serving drinks, broken English, late nights and dirty laundry – and amidst all of this, coming back to myself each morning and saying ‘let’s try this again…”

Reminding myself, this is what I asked for, and I’m always exactly where I’m meant to be.