Have you ever tried to block someone out completely?
Have you ever had a relationship (of any kind) with someone that was so beautiful and rich and amazing, and then one day, it all changed?
This is hard; the change.
We make change like this hard because we don’t accept that it’s for the best, we find no peace in it because we were happy with how our lives looked with that person, and we planned on that being an ‘always’ arrangement.
In a lot of situations like this, it’s usually one person who finds the change in dynamics easier than the other. One of the parties might have initiated the change, or maybe they are just more trusting of life and it’s flow, and the other is left floundering, wondering what the hell happened; and they quite often fight it, not accepting that the connection is different.
Sometimes we find it easier to have it as all or nothing; to have someone as our closest person, or to block them out completely.
I’ve experienced changes in relationships, of all kinds, and I’ve also been on both sides of the fence.
I’ve been the one accepting it, and I’ve also been the one to fight it.
Right now, I’m learning from each end of the spectrum because there are a couple of people in my life whose connection with me has changed, and I feel differently about each one.
With one of them, I am at peace. I understand that this change in dynamic is just another phase in our journey together and although I’m not sure we’ll ever come back to one another in the way we once were, they will always be apart of my life. I understand that their silence in my life does not equal their absence. There is peace in honouring our disconnection; because I’m honouring what is true for us, in this moment.
The other person, however, I’m really fighting internally to let go of. I am frustrated as to why they can’t make an effort with me and I’m sad that it’s come to this; feeling an almost stranger to them.
I am not trusting in the flow of this connection. I’m not trusting that our disconnection is in the highest good for both of us, and that the change in our relationship doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me.
Disconnection almost never means you’re not loved.
It just means that one person is honouring their truth, by allowing space to come between the two of you. It means one of you honours the relationship enough, to be true to it.
Even if that means letting it go completely.
That isn’t easy, for anyone.
Going back to the disconnected friendship that I am at peace with letting go of; she is blocking me out because our dynamic has naturally changed and distanced, and it’s this experience from my side of the fence – the one of trust and acceptance – that is helping me release the other relationship.
The one I’m trying to force, and desperately cling to.
I’ve really been opened up to life, and to acceptance.
I know I was blocked out completely by the friend I’m peaceful with being distant from, and it made me reflect, and think; why?
Why block someone out completely, put a huge wall up, and pretend they don’t exist?
Why can’t we just allow people in our lives to gravitate towards whatever spot they’re meant to have in our lives, and let go of where we think they need to be?
I know how hard it can be to swallow change; to allow life to change and for people to grow without us. It can cause much anxiety, lots of over analysing and unsettledness; and these feelings are the ones that make us want to block someone out completely, because it seems easier.
But life isn’t meant to be black and white; life is all shades of grey. (I should practice what I preach, I hate the shades on grey!)
I’ve found beautiful lessons in losing connections with people that I once held as ‘the most important’ in my life.
I’ve learnt that life is change, life is exactly like the ocean; it ebbs and flows, the tide comes in and then it goes out.
To treasure human connection is a beautiful thing, but we must learn to love the people in our lives so much that we will allow them to leave the same way they entered; with ease.
This can be related to a romantic partner, to a friendship, or even to a family member.
We are a race built on connections and love and intimacy.
Allowing the flow of life to prevail, and to trust that we will always be lead to where we are meant to go, means holding space for the love and the loss, because there are lessons in both; and it is there, that we find ourselves. We start to understand what it is to allow our lives to flow, as they intertwine with others, and then separate again.
I believe that everyone who has ever crossed our path, will always be apart of our lives. I don’t believe there is a black and white; an either ‘you're in’ or ‘you're out.’
I do understand though, that it’s hard to not label it.
For someone who’s spot in your life has changed, it’s really hard not to label ‘you’re out,’ because you just want to forget where they used to be in your life, and the blaring obvious; that they’re not there anymore.
When we label our relationships, we miss the opportunity to be graceful as the change occurs.
So, maybe we’re not meant to delete people from our lives.
Maybe we’re just meant to let them be wherever is true for the relationship at the time, even if that means being disconnected and just surrendering to that; and finding peace in that silence.