Today, I am feeling unsettled.
I started off having a really lovely morning; I read at a café and then wandered around the shops. I was feeling nice and relaxed.
However, shortly after ‘relaxed’; I lost my parking ticket to get out of the car park, I sat in 45 mins of traffic in a lane that turned out to be the one I wasn’t supposed to be in and I had a blaring headache.
These events all piled up and it made me anxious and irritated.
So I gave myself a moment at a red traffic light.
I thought I would just breathe a little bit and get over it.
Instead of this, I just burst into tears and I kept crying all the way home; a 45 minute drive. What a ray of sunshine.
Now, three breaths and a simple ‘well this is shit’ would have sufficed, but my body had other ideas about how it wanted to deal with the past hour. So, I cried. Well, balled.
After I let it all out, I sat with myself and checked in a little bit.
I wanted to know what on earth had bought that crying on.
I then realised that being at the shopping centre that morning had actually really stressed me out, but it had nothing to do with the crowd or the traffic or the dude that bumped into me and didn’t apologise.
It was that I was surrounded by beautiful shiny new things, and I couldn’t afford any of it.
I know, first world problems.
But before you roll your eyes and hand me a Kleenex, it goes a little deeper than that… something that might relate to you.
At the time of writing this, I had recently moved interstate to a new city, which means I’m in a new job, making new friends and navigating myself around a new environment.
Until now, I’ve either lived in my hometown, or have been overseas.
As in, this is the first time I’ve moved out of home properly.
This experience has absolutely unravelled me, because as my life has physically shifted, so have the foundations I once had.
The routines I had at home, in the circumstances I was in, were now gone.
I was living with my parents, having meals cooked for me, and finances pretty well sorted on my behalf.
Now, I am living with my partner, needing to feed myself, to put a budget together (god forbid) and in general work out a new routine for myself.
I am in the process of building new foundations.
The foundations I am laying down can probably be classified as ‘life 101.’
I’m learning about the way I eat now that I can choose everything I stock in the kitchen.
I am learning about when I go grocery shopping, and how often.
I am carving out what I want to cook, and at what time I like to eat and what brand of butter I enjoy.
Oh yes, it goes that far. Do you know how many types of the stuff there are in the shops?
I am also navigating through the concept of time. How much of it do I dedicate to what?
When do I dedicate time to write, to exercise, to see friends, to enjoy my relationship and maybe most importantly; when do I have time, just for me?
That last point is a biggie, because it opens up this big space where I’m able to ask myself ‘what do you want me time to look like these days?’
What I once loved doing on my own a few years back has surely grown and evolved, after all, Pintrest wasn’t around in 2008.
It always pays to check back in with yourself; just because you’ve always done one thing, doesn’t mean it will always serve you and nourish you in the same way as time goes on.
The other foundation I’m trying to lay, and struggling to become friends with, is money.
Which brings us back to me, in tears in the car after realising I hated my experience at the shops.
Truth be told, I’ve always had a love hate relationship with money, except I’ve never been aware of it until now.
I’ve always felt guilty for buying myself things, I’ve been uneasy about getting manis and pedis and I have never been to a hairdresser in an actual salon; I have always gone to friends-of-friends at their home businesses.
For some reason, I lose it internally when it comes to treating myself, with my own money.
I didn’t know that until now however, because for as long as I can remember, I’ve been saving to travel; and that means you just don’t buy anything for yourself because you have Sangria and Tapas in Spain to save for.
But now that I have nothing major to budget for, my money is, well, mine. But I’m still in this frugal mindset that I can’t get out of.
Of course, it also doesn’t help that I need to now pay rent, groceries, car insurance and car registration. Needless to say, my money relationship is the one that needs the strongest foundation because it makes me most unsettled.
So at the moment that is where I am.
I am in the deep end.
I am figuring out what I like to cook for dinner, what type of budget I want to stick to and how to feel good about getting a manicure.
I am figuring out how to be in ‘settled, adult’ mindset, rather than ‘I’m a broke traveller’ mode.
It’s quite a process, and not one I’m even close to figuring out.
I encourage you to take notice of any foundations you might need to lay for yourself. Are you noticing an area in your life that lacks stability or ease? Or better yet, what foundations have you outgrown, that can be released in order for new, more aligned foundations to be formed?
I’m learning that in life, we need foundations.
And I am finding the beauty of being settled in my unsettledness.
I’m really enjoying making mistakes and learning what doesn’t work for me, because I’m that much closer to learning what does.